Star Drek: the Final Degeneration
by Alvanis
Summary: Chapter 6 has now been posted! "These are the misadventures of the crew of the U.S.S. Traumatized." Hmmm... is this the end of the Federation? Please R&R. COMPLETE!
1. Episode 1: In very deep shit and

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STAR DREK: the Final Degeneration

_Episode 1: In very deep shit and getting in deeper!_

This begins in space, somewhere far from earth. In this part of the galaxy, the planets, stars and other things have not yet been "polluted" with the "crap" that comes from the Terrans and other species.

Everything is quiet, no wait... over there! With a flash of light a wormhole, er, excuse me a **_germhole_** opens and out of it there drops a ... miserable excuse for a space ship.

From the inside you can hear sounds of someone cursing the day he was born. Then this individual says: "I told you not to press that button until I said so!" "But captain," says his luitenant-commander,"It would have worked if a **certain someone**," glaring at a tall dark individual," hadn't _passed gas_ at that exact moment!" The captain sighs and says: "Well it's no use arguing about it. Let's just try to find out how to get back to where we were, before this shit happened." "Um, captain, shouldn't we find out where we are first?" askes the chief engineer Georgie la Fart.

(Then the music begins: "Star-trekking across the universe, boldly going forward 'cause we can't find reverse..." "Cut it out! Where's the dude in charge of the sound and music effects?" "He went to the mens room, sir." "**_Oh,crap!_**" "Precisely, sir.")

**__**

"These are the misadventures of the crew of the U.S.S. Traumatized."

After the opening scene we continue...

Captain Richard du Merde: "Well, does anyone have a clue as to where we are?"

Lieutenant-commander Hades: "From the looks of it captain, we must be far from the known universe, indeed."

Captain du Merde: "How do you know that?"

Lieutenant-commander Hades: "It's all speculation of course, but, if you look outside, you will see that there's hardly any pollution at all."

Captain du Merde: "Hmm, yes that is odd, very odd. Well, what do the instruments tell you?"

Chief of Engineer Georgie la Fart: "Sorry to interrupt captain but, one of the dry-shitium crystals has blown! The others have been drained to half their capacity!"

Captain du Merde: "Do you think we can make it back to 'known' space?"

Georgie la Fart: "We could try, I suppose but, with one of the crystals shot, I'm not sure we could survive the jump!"

Captain du Merde: "**_Ah, crap!_** Do you suggest an alternative that we can take then?"

Georgie la Fart: "I'll have one for you if I know where exactly we are."

Captain du Merde: "Do you have any idea's luitenant-commander Hades?"

Hades: "The instruments can tell us nothing much captain but, there is an F-class planet nearby!"

Captain: "Are there any sentinent beings on the planet?"

Hades: "I am detecting life-forms, but if they are an intelligent life-form, is yet to be determined."

Captain"Do they have what we need to repair the _U.S.S. Traumatized_?"

Hades: "It looks like it, but captain, if they are an intelligent life-form we cannot simply go and get it; you know what the rules state. Particularly **_Rule Nr. 1_**!"

Captain: "**Yes, I know**; do not get involved in the other cultures shit, but this time we have no choice. La Fart, do we have enough power to get to that planet?"

Georgie: "Yes, captain, however if we hang in orbit around the planet, we can only stream **two people** down there!"

Hades: "And if these readings are correct, you will have to be very close to the atmospheric shielding to do it."

Georgie: "Because of this, I would advise the team to leave their weapons behind. They will be streamed down after the surface has been reached."

Captain: "No, we will have to take a shuttle down with about five crew members. This way we can take our weapons and some supplies along."

Hades: "Then you can get the material we need and stream it up!"

Captain: "That's exactly what I was planning to do. Now get us there!"

**End of part 1**

See you next time when the shit really hits the fan!


	2. Episode 101: getting in deeper

**__**

STAR DREK: the Final Degeneration 1.01

Episode 1.01: ... getting in deeper (shit, that is).

Captains log, Star-date, er, um, just what date is it? I never can remember; for that matter why the (bleep) am I even typing it in? Oh, yeah, now I remember; you don't have to put the date on it, just make sure that whatever is going on to put it in the log-book. Putting the date on it just makes it look cool. Ah, well.

The thing is we have finally (after 5 days of travelling on inpulse power) reached the F-class planet and are preparing a team to go and explore it. Why on impulse power, you ask? Because according to Georgie and the instruments, we would have blown the rest of the dry-shitium crystals to pieces! Going to warp speed would have been disasterous, because then the shit would have been on everyone! And think of how much time it would have costed to clean that mess up! Any way it's time to decide who should go and who should stay behind. Logging out.

Georgie: "Captain, the dry-shitium crystals have all, but one, been used up!"

Captain: "**_Oh, crap!_** How much power do we have left, Georgie?"

Georgie (Thinks: Oh, crap! The Captain is calling me by **_my first_** name; things must look really **_bad_** to him!): "We have got enough to stay in orbit, captain. Don't forget that the crystals are only needed to power the engines of the_ **U.S.S. Traumatized**_. The food replicators and other 'necessary' machines, if you catch my drift, are run by one of the other generators."

Captain (sighs with relief): "Well, that's good to hear, I suppose. Now do you think the ship could do without you for a day or two?"

Georgie: "Yes, but not much longer than that captain."

Captain: "Then get your ass to the briefing-room, ASAP! Everbody is already there and waiting for us!"

Georgie: "Why the rush, what's going on, captain?"

Captain: "Just get there, everthing will be explained then!"

Georgie swears a little at first and then says: "All right, I'm going, I'm going!"

**__**

"These are the misadventures of the crew of the U.S.S. Traumatized."

Moments later in the briefing-room:

Captain: "The ones who are going to the surface, should be those that know what we need and therefore the most competent. Since only 5 will be going down there, I would suggest that Hades, Georgie, H'Rorf, the doctor and I should be the ones to investigate, are we in agreement with this?"

Commander Hiker: "Sir, you can't be serious about this! If you go down there and something goes wrong, then the Admiralty won't be happy and neither will I! We just can't let you go, you should be up here and send your sub-ordinates instead."

Lieutenant H'Rorf: "I agree with the commander on this! The captain should stay with his ship! They don't call it the captain's ship for nothing, I would think."

Counselor D. Ploy: "Yes, this is true. While the captain has made good suggestions before, I think this time you should listen to your people."

Georgie: "I agree with you on that, but I have one question and it is this: why me?"

Doctor Lena Flush: "Yes, it seems we are all agreed that you should stay, captain. The question is who else will go along?"

Lieutenant -commander Hades: "While I am not always in agreement with the rest of the crew, I too think you should stay on board, captain. As for the rest; it is a good suggestion."

Captain: "All right, it was just a suggestion after all. As to your question Lieutenant la Fart; it's simple: you know more about dry-shitium crystals than anyone on board. And if I am not to go along with you than I would recommend that you take Hiker with you, is that o.k.?"

Everyone agrees to this and then it is time prepare for (shuttle) lift-off.

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The crew has just left when Counselor D.Ploy gets a little queasy.

Captain: "What's wrong counselor?"

D.Ploy: "I just got the feeling that this was a bad idea, captain."

Captain: "That's just what I was thinking too, however I know that your species has a tendency to over-react."

D. Ploy: "This too, is true, unfortunately."

-

Two hours pass before the team finds a good spot to land.

Hades: "Georgie, take a look at this! It seems like the crystals are just below the surface! Only 18 feet down. This is very strange, indeed."

Georgie: "I'll tell you what's even stranger, it looks like it was covered up not to long ago! It looks man-made to me!"

Hades: "That's impossible! It could be that it was covered-up by the natives, who, I suspect, are humanoid like us."

Georgie: "True, true, but still it seems a bit odd to me. Should we inform the rest of the crew, do you think?"

Hades: "We should at least tell them that the natives are most likely to be humanoids."

Hiker enters with the rest of the team.

Hiker: "Ready to go outside, people?"

Georgie informs the crew of their discovery. The 5 get suited-up and leave the shuttle to find the crystals and repair the **_U.S.S. Traumatized, _**so that they can find the way home (wherever that is!).

As they wander across a dismal landscape towards the tell-tale signature of the dry-shitium crystals they suddenly get in close contact with the natives.

"**STOP, RIGHT THERE INTRUDERS!**" shouts someone from the surrounding vegetation.

"**DROP YOUR WEAPONS BECAUSE YOU ARE SURROUNDED!**" the voice yells.

Hades: "They, whoever they are, appear to be correct. We are indeed surrounded, although I cannot see if they are armed with this device. I suppose that's what you get when the Academy starts cutting budgets."

Commander Hiker: "I suggest we do as they say then, since they have an advantage in that."

Hades: "I was about to say the same thing, commander."

They all drop their weapons with lots of grumbling from H'Rorf.

"**NOW, ALL OF YOU STEP BACK 5 PACES! **"

As they do this a figure with a heavy-duty rifle steps forward and motions to his men to do the same. Soon the team from the ship is surrounded by a group of 31 Terran-like people all armed with rifles that are set to kill. Commander Hiker studies the leader and then is stunned by the revelation that he recognizes him. Georgie realizes that he has heard of this figure before and tries to speak but the leader speaks first.

"Well, well, well, I thought that **_they_** would send somebody after us but I figured that the **_United Federation Academy_** would send more people and better equipped ones too. Oh, well, I guess you can always be surprized. Robby, bind them and search for other gadgets, then we'll take them to their **_cell_**. " says the leader of the group.

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End of part 2

**__**

See you next time when we reveal who these strangers are and where they came from!


	3. Episode 102: What kind of crap is this?

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STAR DREK: the Final Degeneration 1.01

Episode 1.02: What kind of crap is this?

Since the team on the surface of the planet hadn't reported back yet, the captain and the counselor were getting quite anxious about them. Soon other members of the crew would realise that something was not exactly to the captains wishes and so the captain decided to talk with counselor D. Ploy, a Fatazoid.

Captain du Merde: "D. Ploy, this is not good, surely the crew would have contacted us by now? I mean the last time we heard from them was when Georgie had contacted us to tell us he had found a suitable landing spot!"

D. Ploy, trying to sound calm, replies: "Well, it could be that they haven't got to the specific spot yet, captain. It could also be that getting to it is a bit harder than they realised."

Captain du Merde: "Hmm, what you say does make some sense, but even so, I would have expected them to at least tell us that they've encountered some difficulties. It would make waiting so much easier."

D. Ploy: "Yes, this is strange, indeed, still I'm sure that they can handle whatever situation they're in."

Captain: "It's bloody strange, that's what it is and I'm sure they can handle most things, but suppose the locals have better weapons or are impervious to whatever the team can throw at them? What then?"

D. Ploy: "I don't know, captain, but maybe you could try to hail them on their comm sigils? Then you would know for sure if they needed some help or not."

Captain: "You know perfectly well, that these things don't work like that. The best thing that engineering could do with them is let these things monitor their life-signs of the crew and with Slingons it hardly seems to have any effect."

D. Ploy: "Well there you have the answer to our problem! Try it now, captain!"

Captain: "We still won't know if they need any help or not, so this still isn't a good idea. Oh well, I guess we'll wait for a few more hours and if they haven't contacted us yet, we'll have to find a way to contact them!"

D. Ploy: "That's the spirit, captain! I think we should find something usefull to do until then."

Captain: "Yes, I should be on my rounds and make sure nothing else happens, but before I do that, I'm visiting a small chamber to relieve a different sort of tension."

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"These are the misadventures of the crew of the U.S.S. Traumatized."

While the captain and the counselor were trying to get rid of their anxiety, Georgie realised that he might never have a chance to tell these people that he recognized them so he started talking to them.

Georgie: "Wait a minute I think I know you people, you are the most famous people in all the galaxies!"

(this is true: they are very famous: The famous 38 morons who stole an untried starship!)

The leader replies: "Really? We are famous? Wow... hey, wait a minute! Are you trying to fool us or is this the truth?"

Georgie: "Well, I was trying to fool you people, but it is true, you are the most famous people of our generation. Well, the only exception is our cap--"

Commander Hiker steps in and gives Georgie a knock on the head with his own head. This has the result Hiker was looking for as Georgie gets annoyed and directs his next words to the commander.

Georgie: "Hiker, why did you do that? Now my head hurts and a few seconds ago it was just fine."

Hiker: "It seemed like you needed it, besides you were just rambling on and possibly you forgot what our mission is."

Georgie: "Our mission? I know what our mission is, thank you very much! I was just trying to have a little conversation with these people, that's all."

The leader of the 31 people holding them hostage said: "Your mission? I would certainly like to hear more about it, if it isn't to try to recapture us, that is."

Georgie: "Why in all the galaxies would we try to return you people when the last that the United Federation Academy knew was that you people had destroyed yourselves?"

The leader: "They truly think were dead? Hmm, I'm not sure but if I let you go, then they'll definitely know that we're still alive. Anyway, what I'm interested in is: what is your mission, then?"

Hiker: "Well, since we spilled the beans, so to speak, anyway, our mission is to discover new territories for the Academy and see if they are capable of supporting life for intelligent species."

Georgie: "Yes, and if there is a native race that's intelligent we must not interfere with it."

H'Rorf: "But I thought that our mis--, whoa," he gets out before he trips over doctor Flush's foot and lands face first in the mud.

Doctor Lena Flush: "Sorry about that, H'Rorf! I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going," she says with a false tone of regret.

Hiker: "Hmmf! Anyway, you people seem to know a lot about the United Federation Academy, so why don't you tell us something about yourselves!"

The leader of the group: "Why don't we let the talkative one tell you about us since he seems to know all about us."

Georgie: "All I know is that you people were supposed to be the next generation soldiers and that scientists had tried to emulate a deity by trying to create a new breed of humans. The result is what you have become and they realised their mistake when you broke out of those Bio-Chemical Labs and took a new spaceship that had not yet been tested and left earth! There is just one question, however and that is: where is the rest? There used to be 38 of you and now I see that there are only 31 people in your group!"

Leader of the group: "Well done, indeed! You left out one thing, however, that after leaving earth we jumped out using a germhole. Little did we know that our jump-drive was not quite operational, when we discovered that, Nosey our best engineer went to fix the problem. This time he stuck his nose just a little too far and after a loud noise we were knocked unconscious.When we awoke, we found ourselves adrift in space and Nosey was no longer with us. The other six gave their lives trying to get us here."

Hiker: "So that's what happened, we wondered how that germhole had collapsed! Everyone thought that it was due to the unstable natures of the germholes, themselves!"

Georgie: "That was 20 years ago, so why does it look like your ship has been buried for only 3 years?"

Leader of the group: "What 20 years? We left earth and arrived here 3 and a half years back! Take a good look at us, dude, do we look 20 years older?"

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End of part 3

**__**

See you next time when we see the answer to this mystery!


	4. Episode 103: Crappy communi bzzt, grrzt ...

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STAR DREK: the Final Degeneration 1.01

Episode 1.03: Crappy communi... bzzt, grrzt... tions...

Back on Terra, the people of the **United Federation Academy** were concerned about what had happened to Captain du Merde and the rest of the crew of the _U.S.S. Traumatized_. The Admiralty were the ones who were mostly worried about them as the Captain (and his crew) had been very helpful with the capture of known criminals and had been instrumental in establishing a peace treaty with a few alien species. Since the Captain's last transmission to confirm his new orders, that had been 5 days ago, they had heard nothing from him.

Admiral T. Stryps: "I wonder what has happened to Richard du Merde since he should have contacted us three days ago. I mean, going to a formerly unknown star-system to have a new species as our ally and business associates, should not take that long I would think!"

Admiral G. Yalwurts: "They've probably got some malfunction of the ship's systems! It wouldn't be the first time that they couldn't get on time to the place where they would meet our new friends! Why Du Merde keeps sending her out on his missions, I'll never understand! That 'scrapheap' should have been destroyed 23 years ago!"

Rear Admiral J. Whynslow: "Don't be so unreasonable, Gurtram! You know perfectly well why the captain insists on taking the _Traumatized_ on his voyages! He feels that it's his duty to travel in it and for him it's an honor since Captain Jerk also went on many missions with it. So it's not the original one, but one that was refitted and recommissioned, does that really matter? Besides, it's his ship, placing Richard du Merde on a different ship would not make him feel good. On the contrary, he would feel like an imposter if he had command of a new ship!"

Admiral Yalwurts: "Yes, that's so like him, but still it is a piece junk! If it was me in the captains seat then I would definitely want a newer ship! Anyway Jerrac, I wouldn't doubt that it's due to a malfunction that Captain du Merde missed contacting our soon to be allies."

Admiral Stryps: "Be that as it may people, the fact remains that he hasn't contacted us yet! If the captain was in any trouble he should have contacted us! In fact, I know that he would have done so, unless of course the communications-system failed... Oh well, I think we should wait for 2 more weeks before we start sending people out to search for our missing captain."

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"These are the misadventures of the crew of the U.S.S. Traumatized."

On the _U.S.S. Traumatized_ Captain du Merde was on his tour through the ship and had reached Engineering, where the rest of the crew under Georgie's command was cleaning up the mess still pondering the fact of how the dry-shitium crystals could have been drained that fast. They were so absorbed with this that they didn't notice that the captain had entered until he spoke scaring them all. This caused the leftover crap from the crystal that had exploded, to get thrown all over them. The captain had been pondering another matter while he had been doing his duty and had an idea that might work.

Captain du Merde: "Lieutenant! I need to speak with you about something right now!"

This lieutenant jumped a few feet in the air before responding: "Me sir? I can't possibly see how I can be of help to you, captain."

Captain: "Let's talk privately for a moment because I need to know if you can do it before we try it. Now, the thing is that I need to get a link to lieutenant-commander Hades so that I might be able to communicate with the crew that went to the surface. What I need to know is, can you get a direct link to the lieutenant commander as he is a Mandroid and as such he is part machine. So can you do this for me, lieutenant?"

Lieutenant: "Well... I suppose that it could work in theory, but I would need some time to do it, captain. It's a small chance that we'll succeed, but it's worth a shot, sir."

Captain: "I give you an hour to do it, lieutenant! I expect you to be able to finish the job in the time I give you, so stop hanging around and just do it! Oh yes, could you also clean up this mess? It really stinks in here, almost as bad as... Ugh! You people are covered in that crap! I order you to get clean first!"

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Meanwhile on the planet...

Georgie: "Well... I'm not sure about this as it is hard to tell with people like you, but I wouldn't know as I was in my last year of the **United Federation Academy** when I heard about that escapade. What do you make of it, Hades?"

Hades: "Hmm... it is an odd case, indeed. However, all of this make it quite clear to me that these people are telling the truth. The stuff that we found out in our shuttle supports this theory, so they are correct, but you are also correct since the data on the ship corresponds with this."

Leader of the group: "What is this? Do you mean to say that we're both telling the truth? That's impossible! One of us has to be lying!"

The other members of the crew start to look nervous, but don't say a thing. The leader of the group doesn't notice this since he was talking to Hades.

Hades: "Well... there is only one explanation that I can come up since all of you are telling the truth. Everyone is aware that strange things can happen when they're travelling through germholes since they are unstable and when something happens on that ship then even stranger things may occur. This is one of the things that happened to you, so my only conjecture is that something went terribly wrong with your reactor-core when Nosey was there--"

Leader of group: "Yes, but that still doesn't explain how our team seems to have a 16.5 time difference with you people!"

Hades starts looking annoyed: "Hmmf! I was getting to that point, but if you interrupt me every single time then I'll never get the chance to explain it!"

Georgie: "Calm down, Hades! I still want to know how this happened! We can't help it if he's impatient and can't wait for you to finish your conjectures!"

Leader: "Oh alright! I'll try to be patient this time, just continue will you?"

Hades: "Well as I was saying when that happened, your reactor blasted Nosey to smithereens and with the very unstable germhole this was the thing that made it collapse too early, all this was too much for the energy-matter in the germhole and the ship, so that also exploded outward and you were blasted into the future. You're just lucky that you didn't have a reactor-core breach or all of you would have died!"

Leader: "Hmm, it's an interesting theory, but you could be wrong about that. Now let's take you to your cell! Come on everyone let's escort these people to the last place they'll ever see--!" He turns Hades around with his hands, then he pokes the luitenant-commander in the back, but since Hades is not human he almost breaks his fingers while doing that. "Ouch! That hurts!"

Georgie: "Didn't your instruments tell you that Hades isn't a human?"

Leader: "Well... you see, they did, but I forgot! Now march that way," he commands them. The crew knows that they're out numbered, so they obey him. Robby walks to fast, however, so crashes into Doctor Flush who then collides with Hiker and very soon all five of them have landed in the muck! They missed Hades because he heard them behind him, so that when they were about to hit him, he moved to the left.

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Back on the _U.S.S. Traumatized_, one hour later:

Captain du Merde: "Well? Are you done yet, lieutenant?"

Lieutenant: "Yes, we're done, but we haven't tested it yet, captain!"

The Captain switching it on says: "Well, let's try it now then, lieutenant!"

"Grzzzt... bzzzt... ...harder than ...realised ...bzzt ...encountered some difficulties ...can handle ...bzzzt ...situation... grrrzzt... bzzt..."

Captain: "I guess they're alright then, that's a relief! I'll just go on with my rounds to see if anyone else needs my help! You can switch it off now, lieutenant."

The lieutenant does what the captain says and then returns to what they were doing before the captain entered Engineering. What the captain didn't know was that D. Ploy had recorded their earlier conversation and was listening to it at the moment he switched the communications board on.

End of part 4

See you next time when we see what those strange beings are up to next!


	5. Episode 104: Is there no end to this cra...

**Disclaimer**: Some of the technology is property of Paramount and Gene Roddenberry.

**Claimer**: All of the rest is from my own imagination!!!

_**STAR DREK: the Final Degeneration 1.01**_

_**Episode 1.04: Is there no end to this crap?**_"Captain to the bridge! I repeat: Captain to the bridge! We have a situation here!"

Captain du Merde, who was on his way to the transporter room to check if everything was ready for the new dry-shitium crystals, headed to the nearest communications device and replied: "I'm on my way, ensign!"

In a rather short time the captain made it back to the bridge, but he seemed to be a little out of breathe when he got there. The ensign that had alerted the captain was about to speak, but then she noticed the captain's condition and waited until Captain du Merde looked like he was himself again before trying to speak once more.

Ensign: "Captain, it seems like we're about to have company! The computer tells me that several small ships have left the planet, but the strange thing is that one of them seems to have come from the _U.S.S. Traumatized_!"

Captain du Merde: "Hmm... yes, that is an odd occurance, indeed. Georgie and the rest of the team would have notified us if they were about to leave the planet. They also would have streamed the crystals up to us before they returned to the ship. Hmm... put it on screen, ensign, then we might be able to get a better view of the situation."

The ensign did as the captain asked, but still didn't know what to make of the situation. This was no fault of her own though since she was a young for an ensign, but the captains reaction totally confused her. That is, he took one look at the screen and his jaw dropped!

Captain du Merde: "That... that's impossible! This can't be! Those things out there can't possibly exist!"

Ensign: "Captain? What, in all the worlds, are you talking about? I mean, surely a new species can have spaceships that we haven't seen before?"

Captain du Merde: "You just don't get it ensign! I have seen those things before! In fact, they were the shuttles for the untried spaceship that got stolen 20 years ago! That ship was supposedly destroyed after entering a germhole that collapsed suddenly!"

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"These are the misadventures of the crew of the U.S.S. Traumatized."

Back on the planet, at the prisoners cell, in fact:

Georgie la Fart: "Man, this really bites! Here we are close to the things that we need and now we can't get to them because we're locked up!"

Hades: "Well... if we had better equipment then we wouldn't have been in this mess in the first place. I'm really beginning to wonder if the **United Federation Academy **wants us to succeed in our missions when they give us stuff that only works partially or half the time or not at all in some cases."

Commander Hiker: "Now don't say such things, Hades! You know as well as I that they had to make some budget cuts or else we wouldn't be able to explore the galaxies and meet new species. It wasn't their fault that **someone** pressed a button at the wrong time or that another person _passed gas_ at that crucial moment."

Hades: "Well yes, I suppose you're right about that, Hiker. Still... with better developed equipment we would have known that it would have been better not to have landed here. Heck, I think that we would have seen that these dry-shitium crystals were in fact from a ship that was hidden on this planet! The captain might then have been able to lock on to them with the transporter and streamed them up directly!"

Georgie: "Well it's no use arguing about that now. We have to figure out how to get out of here, before we do anything else! When we're back on the _Traumatized_ then we can argue about why this mission became so crappy."

Hiker: "Yes, you have a point, Georgie, but how do you propose to do this? Those people have taken all our remaining gadgets with them, so escaping from here could be difficult indeed."

Luitenant H'Rorf: "If I may offer my opinions, commander? I think that I know how we can--," is as far as he gets before they hear footsteps.

Doctor Lena Flush shook her head at him and motioned for him to be quiet replied: "No, H'Rorf, now is not the time to ask be able to empty your bladder."

H'Rorf: "Slingons don't even have a bladder. They get rid of those fluids in a different matter than most people. That's one of the reasons we have our own waste disposal unit on the ship. The another one is that the stench is worse that that of Terrans, except one person, that is."

The guard that was left behind to watch the prisoners said: "Calm down in there, prisoners! You'll be getting company soon enough!"

Hiker: "But sir! Our crewmember over is in dire need of releasing his fluids and if you don't let him out to do his business, then all of us will suffer even you!"

The gaurd, who isn't one of the smarter persons, decides that Hiker is right, but has some reservations about doing this says: "Well... how do I know that you won't attack me and escape if I do this?"

Hiker: "Look at us, man! You and your people have bound our hands and feet together, so how could we possibly do that? Here, we'll all move away from the door, so that H'Rorf here can go with you. As you can see he's a small person, so he's no threat to you."

The guard sees them all move back, except H'Rorf, then opens the door to let H'Rorf out. He closes the door and then walks with H'Rorf some small distance away from the cell. Once there he realizes that the Slingon can't do much while his hands are tied, so he also gets rid of the luitenants binds. What happens next is obvious: after H'Rorf's hands are free he attacks the guard and gets him unconscious, then ties him up after finding the keys for the lock on the cell door. He then sets the rest free, who then grab the guard and lock him up leaving him tied up. They then try to resume their mission, but come across another problem: to get in the ship they need a password!

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Meanwhile things have become a bit hectic on the _U.S.S. Traumatized_:

Ensign in charge of communications: "Captain, these 'aliens' are hailing us! They demand to speak to you, captain!"

Captain du Merde: "Put it through, ensign. On the screen as well, please."

This ensign does as the captain says, so the strangers get their first look at the captain. This comes as a surprise to them since they have seen Captain du Merde before, but only from a distance since the news about his first voyage as a luitenant made him quite famous, even then. They are a bit shocked to realize that the captain is older now and a captain of his own spaceship. Then they see that they might have an advantage over the captain here, so they begin to set their demands.

Leader: "Well, well, well, I didn't expect to see you here, Du Merde. It looks like you're in trouble this time since we hold your crewmembers hostage. Now, I'd be willing to set them free, but before I do that, I want to negotiate about what you're willing to pay for their return."

Captain du Merde: "I think that you're making a big mistake, Leander! As for holding my crew hostage, we'll have to take you in and then bring you back to Terra where you'll be judged for all your crimes against humanity."

Leander: "Humanity? What should I care about that? It's your precious Terrans that created us! What was their moral justification for that? If anybody should be on trial, then they should go first!"

Captain du Merde: "Well, you do have a point, but when the Terrans discovered their mistake, they abandoned the project for various reasons. They had learned their lesson: that they could not create a superior race of humans. That their meddling with nature was wrong, even though it could have helped several generations."

Leander: "That's good to know, but were they ever punished for that? No, they get to start another project that the people neither need nor want! This is what Terrans call fair! They can hurt people without being punished for it! Well, now we're taking a stand! We won't tolerate these crimes any more! Before we go on, shall we discuss this in a more comfortable place? Like on your ship, _captain_?"

Captain du Merde, while he doesn't want to abandon his crewmembers, knows that this is one mistake that he can't afford to make. What he doesn't know is that while he was busy talking to Leander, the other ships were headed for the shuttle bay. The shuttle bay at this time has only a skeleton crew since the rest are having a meal.

Captain du Merde says to Leander: "No, I don't think that that is a good idea. Since once you're on board, who knows what you'll do. We Terrans were fools to have trusted you once and I'm not going to make that mistake twice!"

Leander: "Not even when I can order my men to kill our hostages? I think that you had better reconsider your answer, Du Merde."

End of part 5

See you next time when we see what will happen next!


	6. Episode 105: The crap ends now! or does ...

This is the last chapter of this episode...

**Disclaimer**: Some of the technology belongs to Gene Roddenberry and Paramount****

**Claimer**: Everything else is my own.

**_STAR DREK: the Final Degeneration 1.01_**

**_Episode 1.05: The crap ends now! ...or does it?_**"Commander's log, Stardate whatever. The team that was sent to get the dry-shitium crystals, now has a new problem. They need a password to get--"

Hades: "Um, Commander Hiker, just what do you think you're doing? I mean, we have no equipment to record whatever it is that you would like to have recorded. Before we do anything else though, we should find away to get in this ship!"

Hiker: "Well... it's not unusual for me to recite things like that when I don't have the slightest clue as to what we should do. Right now, I've run out of ideas and I thought that doing this would give me some time to think about the problem at hand."

Hades: "Hmm... well it doesn't seem logical to me, but then you Terrans are only human, I guess. I suppose it might be logical for you to recite a log-entry, but I would rather sit in silence to think about the problem."

Georgie: "Well Hades, we humans tend to have strange habits to get some things done. I would have thought that you knew about such things, though."

Hades: "I thought that it might be different away from the Academy, but now it looks like I'm constantly seeing signs of idiocity among you Terrans. However, your species is not the only one that has its idiocities."

H'Rorf: "Are you perhaps referring to me, _Hades_? If I might remind you that if it wasn't for me all of you would most likely still be prisoners! Think about that the next time you start talking about other species!"

Hades: "I was just saying that in general, H'Rorf, but now that you mention it, your species--"

Doctor Flush: "Gentlemen, gentlemen! Let's all calm down and focus on our next step. We can argue about this when we get back to the _Traumatized_! Once we have a solution for this problem, we can figure out how to get back to our ship."

Hiker: "Yes, that is the most reasonable course of action, the question is how are we going to get by that password. Does anyone have an idea of how we might accomplish this? I don't see anyway around this, but maybe one of you might think of something."

H'Rorf: "Well now that I think of it, there is maybe a solution to this problem. I'm not sure if you want to try it though since it might prove difficult to do, but it just might work!"

Georgie: "You have found away in, H'Rorf? Then I'm very curious as to how you think we'll be able to get into this ship. Please tell us your ideas."

H'Rorf: "Well... do you remember that noise we heard a little while after we were imprisoned? I thought it was a very strange yet familiar sound at first, but then forgot about it as our first thoughts were of escaping from our cell. I think that it was the sound of our shuttle lifting off, but that doesn't make sense since it wouldn't have made that much noise."

Hades: "Yes, I think I'm getting your point... there would have to be more than one shuttle to have made that kind of racket! You're saying that they left the surface of this planet with their own shuttles too. That must mean, that there's a shuttle bay that we can enter."

Hiker: "Yes, that might be our best chance at getting to where we have to go! Does anyone have a better idea? No? Then let's do as H'Rorf suggested! Now let's go!"

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"These are the misadventures of the crew of the U.S.S. Traumatized."

The captain was still on the bridge as this was occuring on the surface and with no reliable communications device, he didn't know that his crewmembers were safe. Well... safe? That's a matter of perception. Captain du Merde therefore was quite concerned about them, but he knew that he shouldn't give in to Leander. What he did next was perhaps the next best thing.

Captain: "Well... could you give me some time to consider your offer, Leander? I could call you in an hour, then I'll give you my response. How does that sound to you?"

Leander: "Hmm... since it is a heavy decision that you have to make, I think that it's a reasonable time to think about it, _captain_. Only I will call you back, then you'll let me know if I can come aboard or that I give the order to kill your crewmembers."

Captain: "Ok, then. You'll have my response in an hour, see you then, Leander. Captain out!"

The renegade Leander knew that by giving the captain time to reconsider, his people would be able to seize the ship from the inside and the captain would then have to surrender his command of the _Traumatized_ and give it to him.

Captain du Merde had other things to keep him busy, though. It was quite hectic on the bridge. it was a good thing that he already had made up his mind about the crew on the surface of the planet below them. He was going to abandon them until he had dealt with these intruders. They were his primary concern, so he focused on that problem first.

The ensign that had alerted the captain to the intruders before said: "Captain, 5 of the 6 shuttles are on their way to the shuttle bay!"

Captain: "Oh crap! I should have realized that he had given in too easy to my request! He was planning this from before he stated his demands! Oh well, is there anyone there to stop them from entering the ship, ensign?"

Ensign: "No, there's only a skeleton crew there at the moment, captain! They won't be able to do much against them, besides they thought that the only ones to enter would be the crew you sent to the surface."

Captain: "Oh crap! When is it going to go right for a change? Well alright! If that's theway he wants it he's going to get it! We can still fire the ships main cannons at them can't we? I mean, they aren't out of range, are they?"

Ensign: "Yes, we can fire the cannons at them, but we must do it soon or they'll be out of range, captain!"

Captain: "Fire all cannons at the enemy! If one of them escapes, it might be the end of our brave crewmembers! I repeat fire all cannons at the enemy! This is our last chance at saving our people, so let's make every shot count!"

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Back to the crew on the planet again:

Georgie: "I don't believe it! They left their back door open! It's stupid of them! I thought that they were supposed to be some kind of superhumans!"

Hades: "Well, I think that they wanted to leave this ship here since it was a ship with a malfunctioning warp-drive. The question that we have to ask is: where are they going?"

Hiker: "People, let's get to the engine room, so that we can get what we came for and then go back to the _Traumatized_! As Doctor Flush said a short time ago, we can worry about the other stuff later!"

As the 5 crew members were making their way to where the crystals were, they heard a loud noise outside the ship. It wasn't a deafening sound since it was a bit farther than they had landed the shuttle, but it still was loud enough for them. They also heard similar sound, but they sounded as if they were even farther away.

H'Rorf: "I wonder what that was all about? Oh well, I guess we'll find out later."

Doctor Flush: "Come on, we should be near the crystals since I can smell them from here."

Hades, pointing to a large container: "Yes, there they are! Now we can take them with us and go--"

Georgie: "Wait a minute, Hades, we have to find some way to alert the captain, before we can return. Let's search for a communications board first!"

Hiker: "I have it here, Georgie! Now to see if they're ready to receive them. Captain! Can you hear us? We are near the crystals, so standby to stream them up!"

Hades: "I start the engines, that will give them some time and make it easier for them to get them aboard the _U.S.S. Traumatized_. Then all we have to do is find away to get back to the ship."

Captain: "You're alive? And you have the crystals? Well done, crew! I'll get a fix on your position in just a moment. Then we'll stream the crystals up, but you'll have to wait for a few more moments before we can stream you up! Get comfortable and sit back for awhile."

Captain du Merde did this while a luitenant flew the ship over the surface of the planet. When they were all back on board of the ship, the crew had a few questions for him.

Georgie: "Sir, how did you get close to us that quickly? I thought that it would take longer than that to get to the surface of the planet."

Captain: "Well we were coming to get you anyway since we thought that maybe you had been killed by the enemies here. I thought it might be best to land on the planet, before getting the dry-shitium crystals myself. Before we landed however, we got the commander's message, so we were nearer than you thought."

Hades: "Well captain, I'm glad you were nearby so that we had a way to return to the ship and now the crew has a few arguments to finish!"

Hiker: "I think that we had better be on our way because unless you have forgotten, we still have a mission to complete!"

Captain: "Hiker's right! We're two days too late as it is, so we had better get on with it! The Admiralty will think that we're tardy if we don't! Everyone to their stations! Ensign, plot a course to our rendevous point!"

This was done immediately, they finally had what they needed and left this system! However, just a few minutes after leaving it they had another thing to deal with.

Ensign: "Captain, there's some kind of alien ship that's headed our way!"

End of part 6 and the end of Episode 1.


End file.
